im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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