So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We don't watch enough power rangers
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize