He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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