I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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