i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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