Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
