is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
