I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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