My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
