Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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