walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
