We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
