I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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