no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
