Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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