you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
