There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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