Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize