so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
