I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
as a side note pls kill me
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
