Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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