a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
