Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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