Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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