what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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