that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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