Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
