What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize