I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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