Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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