Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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