I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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