Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
