chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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