6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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