I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm too high and old for this...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
