I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize