i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
