Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
