I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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