im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize