I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
