my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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