I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
