I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize