When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
