I got chris browned last night
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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