I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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