What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize