feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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