i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
