So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
