my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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