At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
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