one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
