so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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