there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
