Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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