Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
