John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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