wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
