In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
