You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
