I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize