Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
