I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
