I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize
