I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
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